Monday, March 21, 2011

Starch Nemesis

I'm finding that I have a love/hate relationship with sugar.

I'm talking ANY sugar. Processed and or Natural.

For some odd reason my body does not metabolize sugar like its supposed too. No matter how much I exercise, or how little I eat, if I follow your basic food triangle, I will blow up to a 500 pound orca, and that's WITH exercising 6 days a week.

I've done testing, I've seen a douchebag endocrinologist, who told me that "yes, you're fat, yes you have a slight metabolic syndrome, so eat less and exercise more". I never felt so humiliated in my life. I was at 1200 calories a day, and exercising with a personal trainer for 5 days a week.

Right now, I'm at 1500 calories a day. Some will tell me I need to eat more. I can't. I do not have the stomach of a person that weighs what I weigh. I can barely force down those 1500 calories, all healthy mind you. My diet consists of Yogurt, Eggs, Low-fat meats, dark green veggies, and Quinoa, the only "grain" I truly allow myself. I rarely splurge on the fruit.

I should weigh 150 pounds.....

My body hates me.

Monday, March 7, 2011

The Settlement

I am through with settling for things.




I think that I have settled with alot in my life. I've always been pretty relaxed about certain decisions, and made to be "okay" with it. Well...I am done.

I've been thinking alot lately. These massive life changing thoughts that have really compounded this nearly 37 year old brain, which in turn have caused many restless nights, emotional outbursts and general feelings of WTF?.

I am almost 37. I have lived pretty much "okay" through most of it. I've had a roof on my head, and hot meals. I've gone to "school" and got an education. I've bought a car, I've bought a "house". I have been married and I have a child. Pretty boring, pretty mundane, pretty usual.

I wish I had/have done more. I wish I applied myself. I wish I could stop watching the world go by me in such a blur, that I'm left, my head spinning wondering what happened.

I look at what I have done my life and I realize that I have "settled" into a comfortable zone. That needs to change.

I will redo our budget. I will rethink and retool how I will possibly/maybe go back to school, and get back to making real money again. I will not sit on the couch every night, sociallizing when there's a whole world of things I could be learning; for myself AND for my family. I am SICK of what I have become. Just because we don't have the means to do alot...WE can do more. I WILL write out that five year plan. We WILL try for #2.

I just can't settle anymore. I can't sit here and wallow in my self misery and think of "what was". I need to grab my life by the horns, and wrangle it in. I need to do this for US.

My goals:
lose 50 pounds in 2011
learn to sew
learn to knit
read more
sell off or get rid of the clutter
exercise more/Yoga
find out about how I can get back into school
try for #2

I want to add more, and once I learn a trade, I will. All these goals are attainable and highly reachable.

No More Settling.


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Name Change..Oooooooo

Yup, I changed the name....

Now, just to beat this flu and get my creativity flowing again.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Just Rewards

In all games of life there should be some type of reward. Positive reinforcement is great, as is recognition, but what about something to keep you motivated. A goal for a goal. A prize for hard work, and defeating the enemy.

Yes, I am looking for ideas to keep myself on track, a reward system to keep myself in check something to strive for OTHER than life itself. But here's the catch.... I'm really not materialistic.

Clothes are not a viable option, as they will be necessary. I will not be walking around wearing tents made by Coleman. In fact, the more weight I lose, the more options I will have at shopping at consignment shops. I'm rather excited about actually spending $15 for a pair of pants. Haircuts and mani/pedis are the same category. They are needed, therefore can't truly be used as a reward.

I am not a brand whore. Although I do like a Coach bag and I do like Tiffany Jewelry, can I justify the cost? A bag can run about $300. A Tiffany necklace can run about $150 for the sterling silver that I like. It's an idea, I just don't know if I can do it for myself.

I do like ink.... that being tattoos, and I have been longing for one. Should I throw that on my list? A trip to Massachusetts would be nice, even though I try to go "home" once a year, a trip to Vegas, a trip somewhere? By myself, with a friend or with the family?

I want to do something for myself. I just don't know how to or what to do.

So I ask, throw out some suggestions. I'm at a loss for rewarding the loss.

I AM going to do this.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Vicious Cycle

I have a life-long, everly continuing, to the death battle. It's a battle that I remember being brought to light by being dragged to a meeting at age 8. It's a battle that probably implemented itself within my genetics. It's a battle of Oreo or Quinoa.

I am a fatty.

It's seriously not by choice. I didn't choose to be like this. I didn't choose the torment that came as a fat kid and a fat teenager. It seriously is not my cupper, and I have been trying for YEARS to change it.

I've had success and failures (mostly failures), but this time I think I'm in the right place in my head to do this. I finally feel that I have the mental capacity to stick with it. I have the want to exercise every day. It's do this or die.

I'm doing a food journal. Writing down everything that I shove in my mouth. From Cheerio to Oreo it's on there. I also use my work breaks to walk, to raise that heart rate (now, while it's still cool), to burn calories that I know I will not have the time to burn when I get home. I am trying to use my time to my advantage, and also to be a mom and a wife.

So.... I plan to journal my journey. My ups and downs. My quest to figure out my body and why it clings on to carbs like Wonder Bread clings to the roof of your mouth.

I can do this.... mind and body. It's do or die time.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

So, I've decided to come back to my little desolate place on the web.

It's only been a year, a year that I could have probably used this means to escape, vent, and free my mind of whats been ailing me.

A year and a ride. A year that had it's amazing ups and craptastic downs. A year. Another year older, maybe a little wiser, definitely not richer. A year. Twelve months of trials and tribulations.

I saw my family for the first time in over 20 years. I saw my cousins, 2 of which were babies when I left Massachusetts, two I had never met. All of which are beautiful, smart, fun, and awesome. I saw my aunts and uncles, whom I missed so much, and am so glad they are all back in my life.

I met friends, beautiful mommas who all have toddlers Beckett's age. Beautiful women who enrich my life daily. Beautiful women that I am close too, that I can't imagine life without, that are my sisters, and would be there at a moments notice if needed. Beautiful women that held me up when I was down, gave sage advice when I needed it, lent me a shoulder when I cried.

A year. a year that proved my strength, and showed me my weaknesses. A year that many decisions were made, a year that sent us, as a family struggling, but surviving. A year that set in motion the changes that will make us a stronger unit.

So, I'm picking this up again. There's a lot that's going thru my brain. There's a lot that I'm going to challenge myself to do. There's a lot that I want to bitch about.

It's nice to be back here :)

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Oh, the weather outside is frightful....whatev's

It's amazing how one simple change can make people complain until there hearts bleed. In the summer you hear "It's SO HOT!", "Rain, AGAIN!", "Another Thunderstorm warning?", and they can't wait until winter. Well, winter's here people. QUIT YOUR BITCHIN'! Enjoy the 3 weeks of cool air that we've been blessed with, because in about 6 weeks, you'll be crying about the heat again.

I LOVE this weather. It's invigorating. It gives me a feeling of season. It lets me wear sweats and hoodies. Life is good right now :)

So I bring you a couple of pics of this weekends cold blast, which really is unfamiliar territory for true southerners, of which I'm not, but it really is fun to watch them scurry. Sweet rewards :)

This photo was taken by my friend Jen Peace who caught the "snow" on her screen.

Beckett is all ready for the "Snow"!!!!

Unoriginal, but, it get's the point across.

Me keeping my toesies warm thanks to my wonderful friend Amanda.... Love ya girl :)

I promise there's ALOT more going on, but this "weather event" is too much to pass.